Prayerful Understanding

Lana sat alone in the tiny hospital chapel praying and letting the tears flow down into the handkerchief that she was holding to her face. A gambit of emotions ran through her head and felt as though they were reflected in the pain that seemed to be squeezing her heart. She was a trained prayer person that was supposed to understand death, yet at this moment her heart hurt too much to understand how Spirit could let you experience so much pain. She was a person who had no siblings so her close friends had always been her sisters and brothers. She had already experienced the transition of three of her closest friends and now just today, the loss of her closest friend and kindred spirit seemed too much for her to withstand.

She sat back on the bench and closed her eyes. She had spent all night at the hospice in prayer, but her friend, Sara, had passed away in the early morning hours. She had viewed Sara’s cold, lifeless body, but she had looed as if she was simply asleep. However, she knew that Sara would never wake up again and call her with some funny, crazy idea for the stories and screenplays that they used to write together. They would never again act out the quirky, impromptu skits that grew out of them throwing out their ideas to each other. In her head, she could hear their laughter and felt more tears swell up in her eyes and flow down her face. Sara was so beloved by everyone who knew her. She wanted to scream that her death wasn’t fair. Yet, she was aware more than most people that life wasn’t fair and didn’t play favorites.

She closed her eyes and laid her head back against the bench and tried to breathe through the pain.

"You do know that it’s okay for you to grieve for Sara,” the disembodied voice said to her.

“What?!”, Lana said in confusion as she turned in the direction of the voice. “Fran! What are you doing here?! You left me five years ago!!”

“I was selected to visit you while Sara is adjusting to the other side. And I didn’t leave you,” Fran said coming into the light.

“Your leaving was unexpected! I never got to say good-bye and tell you how much I loved you! Now Sara has left me! I never expected Sara to leave ahead of me!” she said plaintively to Fran.

“When you went into training for spiritual work, I told you that God had work for you to do and that is still true,” Fran replied to her.

“More like you pushed me into it,” she muttered to Fran with a chuckle.

“Spirit chose you,” Fran countered.

“It’s so difficult sometimes. Understanding seems slow in coming to me and often times seems out of reach of my comprehension,” Lana said to the woman who had been her travel buddy and helped her to become comfortable in her church work.

“It’s called growth. Sometimes it comes in instant understanding and other time it seems hidden and you’ll never understand it. It hurts when you stretch your muscles even when its your spiritual muscle.” Fran advised.

“I do understand the making a transition is a healing and that when I pray for a healing and complete wholeness that death could be the answer to prayer. It’s just that when I pray for those that I love I hope with all my heart that a miracle healing would take place. When it doesn’t, I feel that I failed them and me in my prayer. Was my prayer sincere enough? Did I put my whole heart into it? What more could I have done?” she expressed to Fran.

“We’ve all had self-doubt, but faith and belief grow as you continue to practice and see positive results in your work. You see good things happen for those that you help with your prayer and counseling. You learn to accept that when the time comes and each person completes their learning lessons in this dimension, they move along for even greater spiritual knowledge and growth. You learn to trust completely that Spirit is working their highest good and yours,” Fran explained.

“I know you’re right, but when I lose people that I love, I feel abandoned. I try not to be angry and judgmental that there are others still left here that the world would be better without their presence!”, Lana said to Fran.

“It’s okay for you to express your emotions. Spirit understands and forgive whenever you ask. You can miss the physical form of those you love and wish they were still around for you to hold and hug. But they’re still close by. You can talk to their spirit in prayer and meditation. You can hold them in light and love in your mind. You know, we do talk to you through little sparks of intuition,” Fran replied with a smile and a touch to her cheek.

“I’ll try to open up and listen more closely, I promise,” Lana said as Fran seemed to fade out of the room.

Lana opened her eyes and sat up with a start looking around her as if to see Fran in the room. She had fallen asleep. For several days, Spirit had been speaking to her, but she had been too absorbed in her own demanding wishes for Sara to listen. She took a deep breath. Her heart was still sad, but she was at peace. She knew that Sara was also now okay and at peace. She understood that she has work to do and lessons to learn in Spirit, but she had come along way in her faith and trust in Spirit from where she had began.